What is This?

I'm struggling at the moment and I don't even know how to explain it. Things are being done- dishes, laundry, general tidying...some by me and the kids, some by my sweet husband. Dinner is getting cooked, everyone is eating three meals a day, bills are paid...appointments are being kept...what else? It's all going. Floating along. At the end of the day, I sit down and think about what I've accomplished and then pause, wondering "What have I accomplished today?"

I am a stay at home mom and/or homemaker. I love this "job" (can one even call it a job???), but I am struggling with overwhelm and motivation. I am homeschooling my five-year-old daughter, Jelly Bean. At this stage, most people say "let her play! She learns through play!" but then again, there is another crowd that says "She needs structure! Curriculums for five and up exist!" The type-A in me wants to agree with the second crowd; the mom in me is in the first camp. So what do we do? Fight. We fight every time I try to do structured learning. When I don't do structure, I feel like Jelly Bean and Bubbasaur (my two-year-old son) watch WAY too much TV. Then, how do I keep myself busy when we are not schooling? Because let's be honest, with one kid to teach even structured school takes about one hour per day! Turns out there are not that many chores that need to be done. And at the moment, I am not taking classes.  The end of the day comes, and I am left feeling like such a fraud when my husband comes home. He works hard, well he deals with a lot of people, which for me is incredibly hard. And I'm at home doing what?

I wonder if a part of this is not related to my hormones; I tend to struggle with depression towards the end of my pregnancies. This time is almost worse because I cannot do things that I feel like I am capable of doing.  For example, running. I feel like running. But because of sciatica and back pain...I have been advised to avoid that. Walking, yoga, light weights...none of these give me the same relief from my anxiety and quiet in my head that I so crave right now.

The voices in my head tell me I am being a useless mooch; I am screwing up Jelly Bean by "homeschooling;" probably screwing up Bubbasaur by having Thing 3. These voices tell me that I have screwed up by leaving the military and that our PCS next summer will be a disaster that sends us into financial ruin...Lord, I know these voices are wrong. I am struggling and I don't know how to explain it all. I have moments that I feel joy and happiness and peace...but more often than not in the last week it has been overwhelm and dispair and panic. You tell me that You bring life and the enemy comes to steal joy and life- I know this is true! Lord, please help that to come into my heart and soul and just let me relax in that knowledge. I know that You never promised easy. As much as I would love easy, I am not even looking for that. I just crave Your peace and joy. I feel like I have strayed and allowed the enemy to steal these from me. Please reveal where I went off the path Lord.